Hello and welcome to this ETM Fast Book Summary, where today we're looking at how to win friends
and influence people. First published in 1936, this book is sold over 45 million copies worldwide
You probably already know it's an absolute classic book. Before I do the debate, well
it's a practical guide to improving how we interact with others. In a nutshell, when
dealing with people, we're not dealing with creatures of logic, but rather with creatures
of emotion. Thus, we improve our human interactions when we make a mindset shift to put the interests
and the emotions of others first. In fact, to quote Dale Carnegie himself, to make friends
influence others, and get them in our corner, it is important to know how to look after
their ego. This happens after an important change in our everyday behavior. This consists
of never criticizing, being genuinely interested in others, smiling, remembering the first
name of the person we're speaking with, making them feel important, never telling them they
are wrong, talking about their own mistakes before talking about theirs, motivating, sincerely
complimenting, and generally always looking after their self-esteem. So, with that, let's
jump right into this lesson. So, the topics we're going to cover today
are broadly split into four parts corresponding pretty much exactly with the book. So, part
one is about fundamental techniques in homing people, and there's three principles covered
in that section. Part two, six ways to make people like you. Part three, how to win people
over to your way of thinking. And finally, part four, how to be a leader. So, in total
there are 30 principles covered in the book. Now, that's a lot of principles, but we're
going to cover every single one of them today. So, let's jump right in
So, part one, fundamental techniques in handling people. Number one, don't criticise, condemn
or complain. Now, criticism is counterproductive because it puts the other person on the defensive
When you criticise someone, it may make someone resentful. You see, they may say to themselves
you know, who did you think he is? Or conversely, it might make them try to justify themselves
or they may say something along the lines of, I did everything that I could, so therefore
it wasn't my fault. Now, how did you feel the last time you were
criticised by someone? And be honest and answer that. You know, it's probably likely you didn't
feel like correcting your behaviour. Much more likely, you just went immediately on
the defensive. So, instead of criticising someone, you know, just bite your tongue and
use the other strategies that are presented in this book. So, number two is honest and sincere appreciation. So, assuming our basic needs are met, then
one of our deepest desires is to feel important. And one way to make people feel appreciated
is simply to show them your appreciation. You know, everyone loves a compliment, everybody
loves a pat on the back. So, positive reinforcement is the use of showing repeated appreciation
People feel important and want to do a better job next time when we use this positive reinforcement
But criticism makes us not care about the next time. You know, if someone criticises
you, do you really want to be really going to want to do a better job for them next time
Do you not? And in terms of using this in the workplace, you know, we could just, if
somebody does a good presentation, then why not just simply say, you know, that was a
great presentation. But it needs to be sincere and that's another point worth highlighting
That there is a difference between appreciation and flattery. So, basically, appreciation
is sincere, whereas flattery is, you know, simply insincere. Number three, arousing the other person an eager want. Now, to persuade a person, we
first need to see things from their perspective. And this is key, really key, to having influence
Them can identify reasons why they would want to do something. So, in their best interest
they take this course of action by basically highlighting, you know, what's in it for them
And what we're doing is we're essentially making an appeal to a desire that they already
have. So, maybe they have great ambition or maybe they want money or better health or
youthful looks, whatever it is. We're appealing to something they already want
So, as an example, suppose I'm interviewing you for a job and you want the job. You know
you could tell me that you have great qualifications and that you've worked for great companies
before and that you're super motivated. But will I hire you? No, probably not, you know
based on this principle, because you haven't really shown me what's in it for me. But now
suppose you take a different approach. You tell me that at your previous company, you
faced exactly the same problems as I face right now. And you tell me that you solved
those problems and made the company lots of money. You also tell me that you're chatting
with my contexter about a potential role at their company. Now, do I want to hire you
Yes, I do want to hire you. And that's because you've shown me what's in it for you. You
know, I want to make all the money and I want to stop my contexter from making it
So, I'll depart to six ways to make people like you. Number one, become genuinely interested
in other people. We'll have more friends by being interested in others than by telling
people how great and amazing we are. I mean, that's just common sense. But humans can actually
learn a lot from dogs in this respect. So, if you think about a pet dog, they don't do
too much. But the one thing they do is they really follow you around and they really love
you and they show you this love and this appreciation all of the time. And in return for that, you
know, no dog really has to work a day in their life. It's enough to get this appreciation
And that's because being a true genuine and feeling loved is a huge human desire
So, turning this to practical use, you can implement this step by simply distinguishing
between the aspect of others. So, for example, you know, if you meet someone, then just greet
them warmly. Tell them it's great to see them. If someone tells you that they've just come
back from a vacation somewhere, then ask them about this, you know, show some genuine interest
Number two, smile. Now, accents speak louder than words. And a smile simply says, I like
you, you make me happy, and I'm glad to see you. Now, we often spend a lot of time thinking
about what we're going to wear to work or to a social event. But the truth is that people
are far more emotionally attuned to the expressions we wear on our face than the clothes we wear
on our bodies. So, you know, why not make a conscious effort to smile a bit more
Number three, remember a person's name is to that person the most important thing in
any language. When you forget someone's name, what message do you think it's down to them
It definitely doesn't tell them they're important, right? So when you remember someone's name
it's like paying them a mini, mini compliment. It's an incredibly simple way to make someone
feel important. Use their name when you greet them, and, you know, continue to use it throughout
the conversation. Number four, be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. Now, people
care most about themselves. You know, what they're most interested in is the aspirations
that they have, their health, the problems they're facing. And those things they're most
interested in, funnily enough, are the things that they most enjoy talking about. So to
get someone to like you, you just need to be a good listener, you know, be attentive
and ask questions where it's appropriate. Number five, talk in terms of the other person's interests. So look for the common ground and
talk in terms of the other person's interests. You know, once you've done this, then later
you can direct the conversation towards getting what you want. So as an example, let's suppose
you know, you're meeting with someone with whom you're at the opposite end of the political
spectrum. Should you begin by talking politics? Probably not, as it's just going to quickly
escalate and, you know, highlight your differences quickly. But maybe you both share a love of
good food. So you could start by talking about that. It's going to build rapport, and it's
going to put them in a better frame of mind for when you eventually get around to asking
them what you came to ask them. Number six, make the other person feel important, and importantly, do it sincerely. Now, we
all want to feel appreciated, to feel like we're doing a good job, to feel like people
are happy with us, and they like us. William James said, the deepest principle in human
nature is the craving to be appreciated. So to use this principle, you know, find something
you genuinely admire about the other person, and simply pay them a genuine compliment
So as an example, let's suppose a colleague has given a presentation, and you were impressed
by it. You know, in this case, you could tell them it was a great presentation, and you
could tell them you were genuinely impressed. You could also ask them how they managed to
carve out the time to be creative, given all their other commitments. And in doing it
you're doing a number of things. You know, you're paying them a compliment. You're, by
inference, acknowledging them as an authority on the presentation, and you're giving them
a reason to tell you about all the challenges they faced in creating the presentation, et cetera
So when you take this kind of approach, where you make the other person feel important
it's very hard for them not to like you. So on to part three, how to win people to your way of thinking. Now, so far, we've looked
at how to get people to like you. Now we're going to start thinking about how to win people
over to get what you want. So number one, the only way to get the best of an argument
is to avoid it. Now, arguments are lose-lose. If you lose, you lose. But also if you win
you still lose. In an argument, you have nothing to gain and everything to lose. Now, the reason
that you lose, even if you win, is because you've created resentment, and the other person
will have lost faith. And they're probably going to be looking to express their revenge
next time in some way, or at least maybe obstruct you in some way next time
So number two, show respect for the other person's opinions and never say you're wrong
Now, if you tell someone they're wrong, what's going to happen? Do you think they'll just
change their mind and agree with you? No, that's not going to happen. So to avoid this
complication, try a different approach. Maybe try something less like, yes, I thought that's
true, and it's probably the right way to go. But what do you think about this approach
How would you feel if we tried it this way? Number three, if you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. So the next time that you
are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. You know, this will take the tension out of
the air, and the person you're with will be much more likely to have a forgiving attitude
towards you. Number four, begin in a friendly way. If you have to tell someone off, you know, it can
be really tempting just to tell them off, tell them what's wrong. This can make you
feel good, but it doesn't make them feel good afterwards. So instead, you know, begin by
being friendly and highlight the positives first. So as an example, let's imagine one
of your subordinates was giving a presentation to your boss, and they really let you down
You're angry, so it's super tempting just to give them a piece of your mind there and
then. But that isn't constructive. You know, wait to cool down, and they're going to be
much more respectful to feedback if you start in a friendly way and tell them what you did
like about the presentation. Maybe you liked the content, but you just didn't like the
delivery of it. You know, focus on the positives, and then they're going to be much more receptive
to the feedback you're actually giving them. Number five, get the other person saying yes, yes immediately. So begin a conversation by
talking about things you agree upon and continue to do this throughout the conversation. And
the reason for that is because a no can be hard to recover from, and that's why you want
to start getting yeses straight away. So as a really simple example, let's say you want
to pay right. You don't just want to ask your boss for a pay right straight out because
it makes it really easy for them to say no. So instead, think about what you can agree
on. You know, maybe you can agree that you hit all your targets in the last quarter
Maybe you can agree that you've done something exceptional in the last quarter. And you know
by using this approach, you're leading him or her on a journey of small incremental yeses
to ultimately get what you want. Number six, let the other person do a great deal of the talking. When someone comes to
you with a complaint, don't jump into an argument. Instead, help them to blow off steam by asking
questions and probing further into the problem. You know, keep doing this until they're exhausted
you know, and once they're empty, they'll be much more receptive to whatever way forward
you propose. Number seven, let the other person feel that the idea is his or her. Now, do you enjoy
being told what to do? Probably not. So a better approach to win someone over is to
lay out all the facts and present your conclusions and then ask for feedback. So the key thing
here is, since you've just listened to the feedback, you've got to take this feedback
and incorporate it into the proposal. And in doing so, they will feel like it's their
idea too, and they're going to buy into it more and take more ownership of it
Now, before we go on to number eight, it's worth saying that as you might have noticed
by now, a lot of the principles within the book overlap. But I hope you're getting the
general themes around how to interact with others. So number eight, try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view. Now
if you don't understand the perspective of another, try putting yourself in their shoes
You can do this by asking yourself, how would I react to this if I were in their shoes
And from that, you can say, how will they then react if I say this? How will they react
if I do this? How will they react if I propose this? And if you fully understand another
person's motives and desires, then it makes it much easier to get what you want and to
make them happy in the process too. Number nine, be sympathetic with the other person's wants and desires. Now, as we said
before, people want to be understood. So show them that you understand their situation
And this is particularly useful in situations where you can't meet their needs. So perhaps
the subordinate wants to co-write and you're just not able to give it to them. So in this
case, it's going to really help if you can show them that, as a minimum, you actually
understand and can relate to their situation. So some phrases you might use include things like, hey, I understand where you're coming
from. And if I were you, I'd feel the same. I really don't blame you for feeling that
way. I'm not sure if I wouldn't be demotivated as well. Number 10, appeal to their nobler motives. Now, everyone has two reasons to do something
at least according to the book, anyway. And one of those reasons sounds good. And the
other one is the real reason. Now, if you appeal to the real reason, you'll put people
under the tensor, because it's not the pretty reason as the more noble, good-sounding reason
So don't appeal to that. Instead, appeal to the one that sounds good
Now, as an example, when John D. Rockefeller wanted a newspaper psychologist to stop taking
pictures of his children, he appealed to their nobler motives. He didn't say, I don't want
these pictures taken. Instead, he said, you know how it is. You've got children yourselves
some of you. And you know it's not good for youngsters to get too much publicity
Number 11, dramatize your ideas. If we want to grab and hold someone's attention, we have
to use dramatization. We can do this through storytelling. They do it on TV shows, radio
shows, and obviously in newspapers too. And you should do it too. Now, as an example
if you've been sent into a department to turn us around because it's losing money, you could
really bring home the idea of the department losing money, but maybe throwing money on
the floor when you're giving your inaugural speech to explain the situation to everyone
You know, that would really grab their attention. Number 12, throw down a challenge. If you want to get people to achieve, then throw
down a challenge. And we do that because we want to stimulate people's competitive spirit
So if you wanted to get your team to deliver something on time, you could tell them that
whoever succeeds the most tasks gets to take the team out for lunch or gets a day off or
some kind of reward or just gets, you know, stood in front of the rest of the team and
praised. That's rewarding itself. So part four, be a leader. Up to this point, we've learned how to get people to like us
We've learned how to win people over whilst making them feel good. But you know, sometimes
you'll have to tell people they've done something wrong or that something needs to change. So
in this section, we'll look at just how to do that. In fact, you can think of this section
as being all about how to get feedback. So number one, begin with praise and honest appreciation. It's always easier to accept
criticism after we've had some praise. So with that in mind, if you need to criticize
someone, then begin by highlighting some of the positives. Number two, call attention
to people's mistakes indirectly. So, you know, in step one, you've stated some positives
Now it's time to move on to the actual criticism itself. But don't just flirt with ice. Instead
maybe focus on an alternative course of action. So for example, if one of your teams gave
a really terrible presentation, you could say, I really appreciate that you put the
whole presentation together. And I'm thinking that if you focus more on this aspect rather
than that aspect in the next one, it would go down even better
Number three, talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. Now
it's easy to hear your faults if the person telling you them is admitting that they're
far from perfect. So again, if you go back to our presentation example, we could tell
our subordinates that we've made a mistake in not explaining the brief thoroughly enough
to them. Maybe we could say that we should have run through the presentation with them
before they presented it to everyone. And, you know, in doing that, it's going to make
it much easier for them to accept feedback. Number four, ask questions instead of giving
answers. So, you know, this goes back to the fact that we've stated before that nobody
likes being told what to do. So to get what you want, you could try asking questions rather
than telling them. So things like, do you think it would be better to do this? Or do
you think a following would work? That kind of thing. Number five, let the other person say, thanks. Now, if you have to deliver negative feedback
then you have always had a choice as to how you do it. And in doing, making that choice
never choose to belittle someone because it just doesn't achieve anything, either in the
short term or the long term. So a simple example here is if you have to tell someone off, you
know, do it in private rather than in front of other people or the team
So this, praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Now, praise
is a free tool that can increase performance. When someone does something right, praise
them for it in front of others. That's going to encourage them to raise their game. And
the reason for that is because we all praise to feel appreciated. Now, praise can also
work to lift underperformers. And basically, you do that by praising every improvement
that they make to bring them up to the performance of everyone else in the team
Number seven, give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. You can do this
if you introduce someone to a group, always talk them up. And that's going to achieve
two things. You know, obviously, you'll give them the reputation to live up to that they're
going to want to live up to. But also, you'll make them like you more. Remember, everyone
wants to feel appreciated. And by telling them, telling everyone how great they are
in front of them, they're going to feel super appreciated. Number eight, use encouragement. Make the faults seem easy to correct. Now, don't overwhelm
people such that they feel doomed to failure and they can't rectify the problem. Make the
problem seem easy to correct. So, if we go back to our presentation example again, we
could say, okay, the basics are in place, and that's great. But the style was maybe
a little bit off. Have you thought about doing these two things next time to rectify the
situation? And that's massively more constructive than simply telling someone they did a terrible presentation
Number nine, make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. Now, if you want
someone to do something, then give them an incentive to do it. So, for example, to get
an employee to complete a task, you could tell them how you're entrusting them with
this important task that contributes to the overall goal of the organization. And, you
know, in that way, they're going to feel empowered, they're going to feel trusted, and they're
going to actually want to do the task. So that's it. We've covered lots and lots of topics there. And in summary, you know
this is a fantastic book to read for anyone who has to deal with other people. So basically
that means all of us. And this book is going to help you improve your personal and business
life by improving your interactions with other people. And because of that, that's why we're
scoring this book 10 out of 10. Even though, you know, as you have spotted, there's lots
of overlap between the various points, the book is going to help you, you know, be liked
by others, be able to get what you want from others. And it's going to make it much easier
for you to deliver negative feedback to others when needed. So that's it for this lesson. Look forward to speaking to you again soon